Care for Yourself Guilt Free

Session 1

The Middle Way

Try to understand why we feel guilty when we try to look after ourselves. We don’t allow ourselves to rest in the right way. Consequences are not good. As humans we have to rest in the right way. We need to let go of unpleasant states of mind in order to gain the full benefits of resting.

Can have 2 extremes:

• Too busy, don’t have enough time; or
• Maybe have time, but get bored, can’t seem to do what we need to do to look after oneself. [Boredom is attachment to doing]

It can feel impossible to change. Guilt, feeling bad that you’ve done something wrong by looking after oneself, is unbalanced. Do we feel unworthy of giving ourselves time? This is an incorrect view.

1. Too stretched

Work / family / friends - feels like they are always asking us for something. Doesn’t feel right to deny them the help they need. But why doesn’t it feel right to give ourselves the time we need? Need to have an honesty that looks beyond the pushing. Why did I push myself for so long? There is an attachment to doing a lot. “I like being successful, I like having money, I like being praised / important” - worldly concerns. We get a buzz from it. If we are doing it for these reasons, then we will feel resentful when we get tired. Need to have an acceptance of these worldly concerns. Don’t have to stop them, but need to have a balanced approach.

“Not all desires are desirous attachment. It’s important to differentiate between virtuous and non-virtuous attachment. Virtuous attachments won’t confuse and disturb our mind. It cannot cause harm to ourself or others.” -JPGF

We can’t achieve everything. That’s just the nature of life. Take a look at your wish - do you want to help perfectly? Because you can’t bear to not be perfect? Have to understand the life we live. Remember that life is like a thorn bush - no situation feels entirely comfortable. The more desires we have, the more uncomfortable we feel. No matter how much effort we make, we can’t get everything we want, or in the way that we want. Perhaps you are a high achiever? There is an energy underneath that achievement that does not want to be disappointed. Our attachment is towards avoiding disappointment.

Have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Have to let go of striving for perfection. Have to give ourselves a break if we want to carry on being beneficial to others.

2. Feeling of unworthiness

Underlying feeling of unworthiness, non-acceptance, not liking ourselves. E.g. “I’m too lazy already”. This is an incorrect view around the way we view ourselves. We don’t like what we see, so we hide. Need to relax with our fault-finding. Human nature is inevitable. I have faults, others have faults.

“Recognising our faults - our faults are our delusions, and not ourself…Prevents us from feeling inadequate…Need to acknowledge our faults and delusions and take responsibility for overcoming them. But we need to distance ourself from them…This attachment is not myself. I can destroy it, without destroying myself.” - HTTYL.

Need to be kind and patient with ourself, but need to recognise the delusions. Mind needs to be calm and accepting, no matter what is presented to it. To be able to accept ourself in this moment comes from wisdom. Need to accept the changing conditions that is life, with a good intention. “I need rest” is not a faulty mind. Resting is helping.

Meditation

See where you’re at - what are your attachments? Accept what you see, recognising that our faults are not ourselves

Observe your faults without losing self respect = self care

Session 2

In order to counter the deluded reactions of attachment etc, need long term perspective. Not give in to short term highs / goals. We don’t know how long our life is going to be, but need the realistic expectation that we are running a long term marathon, not a sprint. What is my goal? We can enjoy short term things, but they are not the goals in and of themselves. Our energy should be like a wide, broad, flowing river, not like a waterfall. Consistent power.

Maybe our initial goal is to have permanent peace that becomes deeper and deeper and pervade every area of our life. Then we can expand this so we aim to achieve this goal in order to share it with others.

The potential to experience deep lasting joy is there = Buddha nature = to effortlessly benefit all living beings. It’s worth going for, but isn’t going to be achieved in a weekend. It’s a marathon. It’s going to come and go, sometimes you’ll want to rest. And that’s alright. Don’t expect it to be continuous without changing, but it’s worthwhile. It’s a lifetime’s work. I need enough energy for that long term goal. If we don’t have the right intention, we become rudderless, and then we make the wrong decisions. Need the wisdom of good intention. As long as you keep your intention, you’re moving. Having a good intention will have a good effect. It’s the mental action of intention that creates your karma.

Meditation

• Take a good intention, and hold it. It just needs to be true for you.

Relax, stop trying to manipulate the external situation. Just keep this intention day by day, year by year, moment by moment. It will take skill. Remember it’s not about this life only. Stop grasping on to this one life. Realise how precious and short this life is, but also look beyond it.

“I’m in this for the long haul. However long it takes, I’m going to do it.”

Wanting to be of benefit to others is not contradictory to looking after oneself.

It can also happen that if we spend most of our time complying with others’ wishes, we are left with no time for Dharma study, practice, and meditation. Also, many people have incorrect wishes. Unless we make some time every day to meditate, we will spend all our time on worldly activities and our spiritual practice will suffer. Taking time each day to meditate is not selfish. Need to manage our time and energy. p154-155 ESTH

Do the best you can, but recognise it and rejoice in it. Be flexible and rely upon a happy mind. Relax, enjoy your life, it doesn’t need to be full of angst. Need the ability to enjoy the journey. Delight in our good intention.

Meditation

JPGF - Rejoice in our own good actions - we shall increase their power and overcome depression and discouragement. Sometimes we get depressed and discouraged by focusing on our shortcomings, and it makes us want to give up. Feel happy and encouraged by our good intentions and good actions.

Session 3

Have to look honestly and humbly at how burnt out we are. Don’t judge it, just acknowledge it. Sometimes to start with we just need to put everything down and completely stop and rest. We have to be our own doctor, our own protector. Try not to pick up old habits again and push ourselves. Don’t let pride or ego get in the way, telling us “I should be…”.

We know ourselves best. Sometimes we want someone to tell us what to do, but we know ourselves. It’s going to take patience, accepting who we are now, not who we thought we were, or who we want to be in the future.

V important to have a minimum practice you can do.

If we are to change our habits of being extreme, pushing ourselves too much, or feeling we are not worthy, then we need a spiritual plan. Taking care of ourselves takes many forms, and we need to integrate them in to our life

Need to create a structure.

Special Advice that Geshe-la gave to Gen-la Dekyong

4 factors for maintaining good health. They are not surprising, but it’s interesting how they are put.

• Eat pure food
• Get enough rest
• Get enough exercise, including prostrations
• Keep a happy mind

Unless we accept ourself, we are going to be continually disappointed. We’re ordinary beings at this point, but our intention is to improve ourselves. Don’t be miserable in the journey. I need to be happy with my imperfections of trying. Don’t worry too much about failing, don’t grasp at being perfect. We can achieve so much more than our conception of our self thinks. The most important thing is to keep a happy mind while we’re failing.

We’re trying to take Dharma as medicine, we’re trying to be our own doctor.

In the same way that a paramedic has to maintain and look after their ambulance in order to help others, we have to maintain, update, and look after our own body and mind. We have to cherish our body and mind with wisdom.

Eat with rules. Have to find out what our rules are. Enough rest takes discipline. Because we are do-ers. We’re always trying to get as much activity or entertainment or distraction as we can. Because we are lazy - resistant to virtue. Need to oppose this resistance. Need to decide with a good intention why you need to rest. Without rest, your elements get out of balance, then our mind becomes weak, and our delusions become stronger. Need to give ourselves some structure. Planning our rest is being kind to us. Without good sleep it’s difficult to have a happy mind, to help others, to live the life we want to. Train your body to get enough rest. The reason why prostrations are so healthy are because they are not just moving the physical body, but also moving the subtle winds and purifying them. Geshe-la said that if you do 100 prostrations a day, you don’t need to do any other exercise.

Start small. Don’t let your ego sabotage your good intentions. Have to take some time to restructure our unhealthy living.